Tag: Catty Whampuss

He Likes to Watch

My cat likes to watch me get ready for work each weekday morning. He’ll sit in the hall, staring intently through the bedroom doorway as I get dressed. This leads me to think he may have been a dirty old man in a past life.

One morning as he inched down the hallway to peer at me closer, I wondered what he’d say if he could talk. Would it be “hey, looking good today” like a peeping Tom(cat) roommate, or would he mutter something inappropriate like that perverted character from Family Guy?

Or he is really, truly just a cat, and likely to exclaim “WTF! What the hell did you do with your fur?!”

Penmanship Perfection

My fourth grade teacher told me I had amazing handwriting – just perfect. This was not a good thing to tell me though.

Where was I to go when I had already reached the top, and at such a young age?

I focused on my a‘s and t‘s for a while as I wanted a different look. And my y‘s and g‘s have kind of morphed on their own. But I like them – they’ve got style.

Yet overall, my penmanship has gone downhill ever since. No ups, just downs. These days I can barely read it myself sometimes.

But I try to look on the positive side. Maybe people will think I’m a doctor?

 

Vindictive Vomiting

I was making myself a sandwich when my cat started retching on the floor. I don’t like cat vomit. I mean – does anyone? And I really don’t like cleaning it up off of the carpet. Yetch. So I started chasing the darn animal around the house with a paper plate for which to catch the offending was-food-a-second-ago that my cat wanted out of his system. He stopped at the front door, and two things happened: 1) The cat simply decided not to hurl as he wasn’t over carpet anymore, and 2) I heard someone on the other side of the door. Apparently the FedEx guy had come by to drop off a package right at the moment I was loudly informing my cat that he was a little asshole, and if he puked on my floor I wasn’t going to give him tuna ever again.

I wonder if FedEx Dude realized I was talking to a cat, or if he assumed it was a mother yelling at her kid or something.

Now some would tell me not to get mad at my cat for upchucking in the house because no one likes to vomit and it’s not his fault. In general, I think that’s right. Well, except for bulimic humans, of course, and that’s a different issue (please seek help if you need it). But I’m not talking generally; I’m speaking about my cat. And this cat would vomit on purpose. He really would.

You see, my cat is a vindictive little jerk. Oh, cats can’t be vindictive or vengeful, you say? They don’t understand, you say? Catty Whampuss does.

Case in point:

Someone accidently trips Catty as he or she is walking by. Or, even yet, Catty, not being the smartest of the litter (at least I assume so – I didn’t really get to know any of his littermates), runs himself into a wall. This annoys him. And whether or not someone actually slighted him in any way, he accidently injured himself, or the universe decided to send gusts of air-conditioning right at his face just to piss him off because the universe it like that, Catty has to get revenge.

Now usually Catty will determine in his runaway little mind that it was one of the humans that contributed to his hurt or undoing. But at times he seems to know that it was his own fault, or he decides that he doesn’t want to bother with the two-leggers at the moment. When this is the case, Catty takes to one of his scratching posts, and feverishly tears it up. He has an angry, and he must get it out. When, however, he believes the humans are at fault, he has to take out his anger on them.

When this is the case, whether we’ve done anything to annoy him or not (and especially in the instances where he gets caught doing something he knows he shouldn’t and gets yelled at), Catty feels the need to maim us to teach us a lesson for questioning his cat-authority. This is usually in the form of trying to run past us soon after he has been provoked, and reaching out a claw (or four) to slash across our ankles as he rushes by. If the offending human happens to be sitting at the time, Catty will often scratch the person’s back through the slats in the chair, and even cling to him or her with his claws for a moment while giving a most satisfied meowl. (A meowl is a cross between a meow and a yowl. I just made it up. I should patent it.)

So yes, I do believe a cat can be vindictive – that he can feel put-off by someone or something and feel the need to seek revenge. I think animals have feelings too, and will act upon them. And I also believe that my cat can puke at will.

banister troll

Here is a picture of said cat trying to attack me through the stair banisters. I hope you like it. I got my finger ripped open for this.