Category: Work

I Work with Celebrities

Ok, so I don’t actually work with celebrities. But I found when I started a new job at a large company that I assigned people actors’ or characters’ names in my head until I learned their real ones. Now, I don’t really follow any famous people, but I guess I know of enough of them to name them or their roles here and there. And when I switched to yet a different large company some time later, I followed that pattern. So all in all, I’ve worked with:

  • Jason Alexander
  • Young Wilford Brimley
  • Crispin Glover (almost exactly how he is as George McFly)
  • Dr. Wilson from House (Robert Sean Leonard)
  • Stuart from Big Bang Theory (Kevin Sussman)
  • Thinner John Goodman (whose name actually is John!)
  • Maid Marian from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio)
  • And my favorite, Aging Peter Griffin

Now who is Aging Peter you might ask? This guy, whose real name I do know these days, looks exactly like the cartoon character Peter Griffin from Family Guy come to life, but with gray hair. He’s a grandpa, you see. So I call him Aging Peter in my mind, and I love him. Unlike that cartoon character, he is the nicest, happiest fellow you could ever meet. He always greets me with a smile. Thank you, Aging Peter.

Put It on a Stick

I have a coworker on the other side of the building whom I often see in the lobby or breakroom. We always seem to be on the same schedule for lunch and quick breaks, which is great because he’s quite nice. I was in the lobby this afternoon and he came up to me, all sullen. I asked him what was up. His response?

“Jalapeno pepper on a stick.”

Then he walked away.

I have no idea what that was about, where it came from, or if it was cause for alarm. But I do know: I like that guy.

Keep that Neon Away from Me

My boss’s boss came over to look at something on my computer. He motioned a lot as he talked about this change or that addition. The problem was, for some reason he was holding a highlighter in his hand as he did this. An open highlighter. No lid in sight. Not only was I concerned he might end up highlighting a word right on my monitor, I was pretty worried about my own person – specifically my brand new top.

Beware of very animated, highlighter-wielding bosses.

Water Weight

A guy in a meeting today had a huge water bottle. Just YUGE. The label on the bottle had a large H with little lines on each side, making it look like a weight bar.

Talk about killing two birds with one stone – work out your arms while you hydrate, with plenty of incentive to drink your H2O to give your arms a break.

Plus a TON of bathroom breaks.

Green Smoothie?

Everyone’s so into green smoothies these days. A coworker keeps insisting you can add a handful of spinach to anything and you won’t even taste it. I don’t know about that. To me, spinach tastes like eating a handful of grass freshly pulled out of the yard.

Here’s a green shake for you: throw in some peas, an avocado, a green banana, and that grassy-spinach.

Then fill the rest with vodka, ’cause that shit’s going down hard.

Granny’s Delight

So some coworkers and I were talking about the cut-throat world of bread-manufacturing (not even kidding), and one of them looked up the packaging online. The initiator, the friend of a bread king, realized he hadn’t checked out his friend’s site, and simply googled “granny’s delight.” At work.

GILFs, man. GILFs.

It’s Just Resting

A guy at work told me about forgetting his coffee press in a conference room. He went back and it was gone.

Later, he found it on a table by the copier.

Turns out the table had been moved, and the coffee press simply went with it.

I told him he needs to think like a physicist. An object at rest stays at rest. The item on the table stays with the table.