Category: The Internet is Made of Cats

Vindictive Vomiting

I was making myself a sandwich when my cat started retching on the floor. I don’t like cat vomit. I mean – does anyone? And I really don’t like cleaning it up off of the carpet. Yetch. So I started chasing the darn animal around the house with a paper plate for which to catch the offending was-food-a-second-ago that my cat wanted out of his system. He stopped at the front door, and two things happened: 1) The cat simply decided not to hurl as he wasn’t over carpet anymore, and 2) I heard someone on the other side of the door. Apparently the FedEx guy had come by to drop off a package right at the moment I was loudly informing my cat that he was a little asshole, and if he puked on my floor I wasn’t going to give him tuna ever again.

I wonder if FedEx Dude realized I was talking to a cat, or if he assumed it was a mother yelling at her kid or something.

Now some would tell me not to get mad at my cat for upchucking in the house because no one likes to vomit and it’s not his fault. In general, I think that’s right. Well, except for bulimic humans, of course, and that’s a different issue (please seek help if you need it). But I’m not talking generally; I’m speaking about my cat. And this cat would vomit on purpose. He really would.

You see, my cat is a vindictive little jerk. Oh, cats can’t be vindictive or vengeful, you say? They don’t understand, you say? Catty Whampuss does.

Case in point:

Someone accidently trips Catty as he or she is walking by. Or, even yet, Catty, not being the smartest of the litter (at least I assume so – I didn’t really get to know any of his littermates), runs himself into a wall. This annoys him. And whether or not someone actually slighted him in any way, he accidently injured himself, or the universe decided to send gusts of air-conditioning right at his face just to piss him off because the universe it like that, Catty has to get revenge.

Now usually Catty will determine in his runaway little mind that it was one of the humans that contributed to his hurt or undoing. But at times he seems to know that it was his own fault, or he decides that he doesn’t want to bother with the two-leggers at the moment. When this is the case, Catty takes to one of his scratching posts, and feverishly tears it up. He has an angry, and he must get it out. When, however, he believes the humans are at fault, he has to take out his anger on them.

When this is the case, whether we’ve done anything to annoy him or not (and especially in the instances where he gets caught doing something he knows he shouldn’t and gets yelled at), Catty feels the need to maim us to teach us a lesson for questioning his cat-authority. This is usually in the form of trying to run past us soon after he has been provoked, and reaching out a claw (or four) to slash across our ankles as he rushes by. If the offending human happens to be sitting at the time, Catty will often scratch the person’s back through the slats in the chair, and even cling to him or her with his claws for a moment while giving a most satisfied meowl. (A meowl is a cross between a meow and a yowl. I just made it up. I should patent it.)

So yes, I do believe a cat can be vindictive – that he can feel put-off by someone or something and feel the need to seek revenge. I think animals have feelings too, and will act upon them. And I also believe that my cat can puke at will.

banister troll

Here is a picture of said cat trying to attack me through the stair banisters. I hope you like it. I got my finger ripped open for this.

The Internet Doesn’t Get Me

If you’re reading this, you’re most likely on the Internet. And if you’re on the ‘Net, chances are you’ve been profiled – not quite the Criminal Minds kind of profiled, but profiled nonetheless. The World Wide Web likes to keep track of you, your likes and dislikes, where you live, if you have a pet, whether or not you like strawberry cheesecake ice cream, etc. Why? Why would the Internet care? Why, to sell you stuff and sign you up for ridiculous things you didn’t yet know you wanted, of course!

Facebook knows what you like. Google remembers what you search for. You can do anything at Zombo.com. The Internet knows.

The Internet knows I’ve recently gotten addicted to Candy Cush Saga after quickly tiring of Castleville. It knows that I want to learn how to “knook” (that’s not a dirty term nor is it an E-reader, by the way). It knows I have a fondness for Reese’s peanut butter cups, and that I also enjoy sucking on strawberry Crème Savers, which have gotten REALLY hard to find. The Internet knows that I still like watching cartoons from time to time, that my dishwasher likes to stop working pretty consistently, and that I’m a sadistic type of person who hates body hair enough to want to buy an epilator.

I’ve grown pretty accustomed to the ads everywhere on the Internet. You can’t seem to read a page, play a game, watch a video, or research why some people have unibrows and some people don’t without running into at least a few of them. And having them tailored to your liking isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it helps you avoid being bombarded by ads about crickets if you just don’t like crickets. You’ll get to see lovely advertisements depicting your favorite bug, such as butterflies or cockroaches, instead.

But something has changed as of late, at least for me. Instead of the familiar sewing-, kitteh-, or geek-related ads I’ve gotten used to but seldom actually click on (I tend to give Amazon and Hancock all my money, and no, that’s not dirty either), I’ve been seeing other things. Strange things…

I guess, based on my likes of several good-tasting-but-bad-for-you foods, the Internet has decided that I must have gained weight, as ads for plus-sized women’s clothing keep popping up. I also keep seeing advertisements for credit cards and casino slot games, so I must have lost quite a bit of money recently without even knowing. But the most interesting change as of late is that I just keep getting messages to meet hot Asian women.

Now, I must admit that the girls depicted on these ads are pretty cute, but last time I checked I was still pretty happily married to a man. A man about the size of at least 3.5 of those hot Asians, FYI. So unless I’m wearing clothing that is much too small, I’m losing all my money betting on chicken fights while sleepwalking at night, and I’m actually a lesbian without knowing it, the grand ol’ Internet doesn’t know me very well any more. Either that, or a large drag queen who’s low on cash and has a thing for pretty Asian ladies has been using the Internet under my name/IP.

But at least the Netflix sign-up ads haven’t changed. Because I already have Netflix, and thus I could use some reminders to watch it.

Netflix Ad