If you’re reading this, you’re most likely on the Internet. And if you’re on the ‘Net, chances are you’ve been profiled – not quite the Criminal Minds kind of profiled, but profiled nonetheless. The World Wide Web likes to keep track of you, your likes and dislikes, where you live, if you have a pet, whether or not you like strawberry cheesecake ice cream, etc. Why? Why would the Internet care? Why, to sell you stuff and sign you up for ridiculous things you didn’t yet know you wanted, of course!
Facebook knows what you like. Google remembers what you search for. You can do anything at Zombo.com. The Internet knows.
The Internet knows I’ve recently gotten addicted to Candy Cush Saga after quickly tiring of Castleville. It knows that I want to learn how to “knook” (that’s not a dirty term nor is it an E-reader, by the way). It knows I have a fondness for Reese’s peanut butter cups, and that I also enjoy sucking on strawberry Crème Savers, which have gotten REALLY hard to find. The Internet knows that I still like watching cartoons from time to time, that my dishwasher likes to stop working pretty consistently, and that I’m a sadistic type of person who hates body hair enough to want to buy an epilator.
I’ve grown pretty accustomed to the ads everywhere on the Internet. You can’t seem to read a page, play a game, watch a video, or research why some people have unibrows and some people don’t without running into at least a few of them. And having them tailored to your liking isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it helps you avoid being bombarded by ads about crickets if you just don’t like crickets. You’ll get to see lovely advertisements depicting your favorite bug, such as butterflies or cockroaches, instead.
But something has changed as of late, at least for me. Instead of the familiar sewing-, kitteh-, or geek-related ads I’ve gotten used to but seldom actually click on (I tend to give Amazon and Hancock all my money, and no, that’s not dirty either), I’ve been seeing other things. Strange things…
I guess, based on my likes of several good-tasting-but-bad-for-you foods, the Internet has decided that I must have gained weight, as ads for plus-sized women’s clothing keep popping up. I also keep seeing advertisements for credit cards and casino slot games, so I must have lost quite a bit of money recently without even knowing. But the most interesting change as of late is that I just keep getting messages to meet hot Asian women.
Now, I must admit that the girls depicted on these ads are pretty cute, but last time I checked I was still pretty happily married to a man. A man about the size of at least 3.5 of those hot Asians, FYI. So unless I’m wearing clothing that is much too small, I’m losing all my money betting on chicken fights while sleepwalking at night, and I’m actually a lesbian without knowing it, the grand ol’ Internet doesn’t know me very well any more. Either that, or a large drag queen who’s low on cash and has a thing for pretty Asian ladies has been using the Internet under my name/IP.
But at least the Netflix sign-up ads haven’t changed. Because I already have Netflix, and thus I could use some reminders to watch it.
